Hope

"9 lbs 8 oz, 20.5 inches of perfection."  That's how I described Hope to Natalie in my reply to her text message on delivery day.  It was kind of a scary delivery.  I felt so tired and shaky the whole time.  Her heart rate kept dropping.  I was so thankful Kevin had given me a blessing before it all started and I prayed throughout the whole thing that she would make it safely here, that I would make it OK, too.  Maybe it's because I'm getting older and losing that feeling of invincibility that is still hanging on in your early 30s, but each safe delivery seems more and more miraculous to me.


We named her Hope Carma Linkous.  She is Carma for Kevin's wonderful mother.  Creative, strong, gentle, selfless, constant, thoughtful, talented, patient, humble, loving, loyal and true.  I know Hope will be blessed all her life as she follows Carma's example.

I've loved the name Hope ever since sharing the wheel at drivers' ed with my dear friend, Misty.  On our folders, we each had a sticker with our full names--mine read "Kathryn (none) Ellis" and hers, "Misty Hope McCleod".  I thought then, and still do, that there was never a more beautiful name for a beautiful soul. 

The name Hope also holds so much meaning for us because of our experiences in getting our family started.  Anyone struggling through infertility might look at our story and find hope.  But the bottom line is that, to me, hope is the essence of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Only the hope that I received through him could keep me going through every step of our journey to having our first baby and it is the only thing that keeps me going now that I have had 5 in 7 years :).  It is the reason I can wake up each day and smile at the chance to make it better than the last.  It is the reason I can teach my children to love and to trust in the goodness of others when so many scary things are happening in our world.  It is the reason I can look forward to the day when I will fall at his feet and thank him for this chance to be a mother to these angels for eternity.  It is the loving message I find on every page of scripture--"Come unto me...", "Peace I leave with you...", "For God so loved the world...","Ask and ye shall receive...", "..for he loveth our souls". 

I remember my dad talking about hope when he was serving as a mission president.  Telling me how one of Satan's biggest lies is making people think there is no hope.  They've sinned too much, they've gone too far, it's too late to change.  When always and in all things, Christ is pleading for us to believe him.  To cling to the hope he offers through his atoning sacrifice.  To hold on and press forward in that hope long and hard enough to where it brings us back to him.  I love that every time I look in this baby's eyes and speak her name, I am reminded of these things.  Welcome to the world, Hope.  We can't tell you how thankful we are that you came to us. 

Don't blink!

I find myself stopping to just enjoy where I'm at a lot lately.  Whenever I get close to having a baby, along with the excitement of meeting that new little person comes some introspection--"have I soaked up every possible second of THIS phase while I've been in it?"  With these 5 children coming in 6.5 years, the "phases" have been quick.  I barely get to having just one in diapers before the next one comes and I'm back to 2.  But that makes it even more crucial for me to do my part to be in the present and appreciate it.  Have I cherished every joyful squeal and dimpled smile and intoxicating laugh from Darren now that you can't really call him a baby anymore?  Have I listened to enough of Eden's impossibly adorable imagination ramblings and etched in my heart every expressive raised eyebrow and belly giggle so that I will never ever forget them?  Have I snuggled and held Elle's tiny, perfectly dressed pixie body close on my lap and held her delicate hand every time she'll let me?  Have I encouraged Ryn in every way possible to not grow up too quickly, even though I depend on her constantly?  Have I told Kevin how lucky I feel that he chose me, and keeps on choosing me over everything else?  Do they all know how utterly amazing they are?  Have I showed them DAILY how much I love being theirs and how much pure joy they bring to my life?  I've got 5 more days left of this 4-kids phase so I'm off to keep soaking!

Time for everything

I'm sitting in my doctors waiting room, ready for my last check-up before welcoming this new baby to our family next week. Baby number 5! Unbelievable. Literally.

It's been a busy month and a half getting everyone settled in new schools and schedules. Ryn started for two weeks at Sunrise Elementary in the SALTA program, which she adored. Everything was ultra structured and well organized (Ryn to a T). I set up a carpool with another mom so I only needed to pick up at the end of each day. Then a spot opened up at Oak Hollow Elementary in the French immersion program. After many more prayers and time at the temple, we decided to move her there. Not quite as structured as the other place, she is still loving all she is learning. It does mean that I have no one to carpool with, but so far it has worked out.

Elle is in kindergarten at Draper Elementary because its only half-day and she can ride the bus :). She is also loving the learning process. Reading is a whole new wonderful world to her.

With 4 other moms in our ward, I'm doing a joy school for Eden and her friends on Monday and Wednesday mornings. Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, she goes to a different preschool with sweet, amazing Mrs. King where Elle went last year.

So it's been a lesson in juggling. All the different pick up and drop off times, different homework and piano practicing, reading time, friends wanting to play, making dinner in time for them to get to bed early enough so they don't get sick from being so worn out...how my mother had 9, I will never know.  Except for maybe what the Spirit taught me on Sunday (and has been teaching me for a while now). 

We were talking about 3 Nephi 17 when the Savior is with the Nephites and tells them he has to leave to go visit his other sheep.  The people obviously don't want him to go and he is moved with compassion for them and stays longer to heal them and bless them and their children, one by one.  We talked about how we need to have this same compassion and serve the one as He does/did.  And I was thinking about how every night my girls want me to stay and sing a few more songs or other times when they need me or someone else needs me and my to-do list flashes through my mind.  "I really need to be doing this and this and this....I don't have time right now...." 

In Sunday School someone made the comment that time isn't the same for the Lord, so he probably wasn't "late" getting to his other sheep, even though he took that extra time for the Nephites.  For me, though, time does limit what I can do, how I can help.  "There is never enough time to do all that we would wish to do," says the wise Ghost of Christmas Present in Scrooge.  And so sometimes when that list flashes and I think time is too short, I hesitate in my path to showing compassion.  But what the Spirit taught me and reminded me of on Sunday was the miracle that happens every time I choose to follow His example:  somehow, in some way, there is always enough time for what matters most.  When I take the time to show compassion, somehow everything that HAS to be done, gets done.  I don't think my minutes and hours are lengthened.  Maybe the miracle is that showing compassion alligns my priorities with His, and so I cut out the things that are not truly important.  I have a feeling I'm going to need to remember this lesson even more in the coming months as a new sweet spirit will need so much of my time and all the love I have to give.